Finding The Sum of Sustainably Me
Blog 2022 didn't happen.
Did I beat myself up? Of course.
Knew I shouldn't, naturally.
Does it matter? No.
So where does that leave me now? In 2023 with a lot more reflections to dwell over, and feeling like the answers don't add up.
I don't like to dwell — I'm more a fan of reflection — but sometimes our bad habits get the best of us. I've gone from over-controlling my personal life with checklists, to now feeling like I've lost discipline altogether.
I'm scared of failing. I know I'm not the only one, but not all of us are willing to admit it. I know this because I never used to admit anything I thought would be perceived as a flaw. It goes against my constant desire for perfection, in all elements of life (reluctantly, I removed the past tense from this sentence, as I'd like to think I'm not consumed with perfection anymore, but, well, anxiety).
We see a lot of perfection, of people only sharing the positives, but even if we can't see any, there are negatives. It's maths. This thing, plus that thing, minus other things, equals all the things. Is the outcome a negative or a positive? It could be either, there’s equal possibility when we don't know the numbers or the things adding up. So when we think about it mathematically, there's plenty of negatives we don't see, that are happening, that aren't being shared — that we actually don't have control over. Life is a constantly changing equation of positive AND negative days.
In terms of reflections, I feel like the last 2 years have vanished in the blink of an eye — like a Warwick quad book flying out the window (ahh, memories of maths class at Geraldine High School). In a post-lockdown world, life is going fast. I need to slow down and smell the roses, but I'm exhausted before I even find a flower to smell. I buy flowers, but then they sit on the kitchen counter for far longer than I'd like to admit, waiting patiently to be placed in water. It feels like I'm working my way further through a negative sum as I'm writing these words. Sometimes we're able to find happiness, and we know how we got there — and sometimes when we lose our way, what added up last time now has an answer that doesn't equate to what we thought it would.
The world is constantly evolving, we're constantly changing and all elements of our environment never align in the same way. As each second passes, a new moment dawns. As I write this, I'm reminding myself that the possibilities are endless for what happens in the next minute, hour, day, year. Well, in reality, I'll hopefully be asleep in an hour — I'm procrastinating from sleep to write this, but I haven't gotten around to journaling much lately. This feels cathartic and it’s what I need right now. Be in the moment. Feel the feelings. Stop letting 'busy' be a distraction and interruption to finding some inner peace (note to self).
When we share with others how our life is going, we usually share the positive equations. The polished 'problems', to impress our peers.
I'm feeling like an unbalanced excel at the moment but I'm embracing it. This is me — unpolished*.
Celebrate those negative sums.
Lots of love,
Brodie
*Well, confession, I did check with a friend before sharing. The thought of posting late night ramblings that were raw and utter rubbish... Here I go again, that perfection thing. You get the point. Not caring what others think is hard.
